The Seven Vertically Challenged Males

A story of love, loss and copious amounts of growth hormones

Once upon a time, in a land not very far from Hollywood, lived seven men who all had something in common. No, they were not queer, but close enough. They were all extraordinarily short and this, as I’m sure you’ve already realised, is more than just a tragedy. Everyone thought they were kids and these poor men were being deprived of the respect they deserved. The situation was unacceptable, and required desperate measures. And by desperate measures, I mean illegal amounts of badger growth hormones. Why badger you may ask? Well, because I say so. And no one questions the narrator.

The illegal substances were ordered and arrived in a glass coffin seven days later. The growth hormones were consumed and they waited for days, but nothing happened. Rude words were used and temper tantrums were thrown, but even this didn’t help. Fortunately, large amounts of alcohol were found nearby and as you may know, alcohol solves all problems. That is, until the next morning. That’s when your problems only get worse. The dwarves were now angrier than ever and it turns out the growth hormones had actually changed all their personalities. Some were always happy and some were always sad. One was always sleepy and another was suicidal at times. This caused even more confusion and now they had to seek help elsewhere.

After many further months of searching they were given the contact details of a certain evil queen. Apparently she had the ability to satisfy any of your wishes, as long as you paid her well. They all agreed that this was their last hope and went over to her castle one day. They explained their problems to her and she said that she would be happy to help them on one condition. The condition was; well, unfortunately we will never know, but we do know this much: following their meeting with the queen, the dwarves have never had their wish satisfied but it looks as though they are doing just fine. It seems being mistaken for a kid does have its advantages.

You may be thinking to yourself, where does the love bit come in? Well, it doesn’t come just yet. That bits being saved for the sequel. Apparently it’s coming to cinemas next summer. I just stuck it in the subtitle because it sounds good and might make you read on.